Happy F@#*$% Holidays

For those of you who are from pretty much anywhere except California, the "spirit" of various holidays is very heavily dependant on weather.

Spring brings to mind images of mint green baby grass, pastel painted eggs and Easter baskets...

Summer means hot dogs, camping, and bar-b-ques...

Fall means sweaters, spices, scary movies and cups of hot cocoa enjoyed by the window as the leaves fall or the rain beats against the window...

And Winter, well, we all know what that usually means. Pine trees, snowmen, candy canes and Christmas Cheer. Or Hanukkah cheer, if you prefer. Maybe even Kwanzaa cheer. What-the-f@#%-ever, cheer is cheer. (And don't ask me why that's highlighted, because I have no idea.)

But in Grenada, there are only two major seasons: the "I'm going to melt into a puddle of sweat" season, and the "it's so f#@%ing hot, I can't even bring myself to put on underwear" season.

In case you were wondering, neither of these are particularly conducive to ANY kind of cheer, but especially not the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa kind.

Which brings me to my point: there is no such thing as "Happy Holidays" in Grenada. You can dress up for Halloween if you want. You can make all the sugar cookies your nostalgic little heart desires. You can sing carols, watch all of your favorite holiday movies... you can even try escaping to a nearby island for a couple of weeks in December. But it won't ever feel as fun and festive as it does back home. No matter how much rum-laced eggnog you drink.

Here in Grenada, you won't see fresh-faced youngsters going door to door and asking for candy. But you will see kids at the supermarket, begging affluent-looking strangers to buy them a snack. You won't hear the holiday carols you've come to love, but you'll hear the bastardized Caribbean version of ditties like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Jingle Bells," with all-new lyrics about beer and palm trees, laid over a fat reggae beat. Are you a fan of Nicki Minaj or Ke$ha? Just WAIT until you hear "Smack yo b#@% for Christmas," to the tune of "the Little Drummer Boy."

If you're anything like me, you'll take a long look around and decide to pretend like it's June all year round. Or, if you're feeling particularly bitter, you can pretend to convert to one of those religions that ignores festive events (i.e. Halloween, Christmas, Birthdays) altogether. Either way, it's going to be a joyless couple of months.

Because "the Holidays" also mean "Obnoxious American Tourist Season" (aka Cruise Ship Season) in Grenada.

You're f#@%ing welcome.


Cordelia